Activia Challenged

I am taking the Activia challenge. Activia is a yogurt enema. I mean that's not what they're saying but the signs are all there. Activia logo? A woman's stomach with a yellow "down" arrow superimposed on her navel. Activia tagline? Bifidus regularis (TM)

Regularis, even in its Latin form, is a word many of us dieters understand. It's code for laxative. Dannon, the makers of Activia, claim it is a bifidobacteria or intestinal microflora. But we know the truth.

See this all started because of a massage I got in Montana. I asked her not to pull my finger, not a joke, because it's swollen. Kim, the masseuse in Montana, told me that sometimes swelling is caused by bacteria in our intestines from the food we eat. Then she proceeded to tell me this disgusting story about eating sushi with her brother the doctor that I won't relay. Trust me, I don't think I'll be ordering yellowtail sashimi for a few months.

Back to the Activia challenge. What caught my eye was this whole idea of balancing the bacteria in your digestive tract. I'd assumed the swelling in my finger was arthritis. Or, and this is also not a joke, it could be gout. My mother thought she had gout in her toe and her symptoms were swelling and pain. One of the things that causes gout is red wine. And let me tell you that if I have to give up red wine, life as I know it will cease to exist.

Bacteria is my salvation. An entirely new way of thinking that would not interfere with my wine drinking AND erase the ugly spectre of arthritis in my early 40's.

So while others are taking the Activia challenge to flush their digestive system or get back to "regular", maybe they're looking for that next weight loss miracle, I'm taking the challenge because I wish to continue drinking red wine until that day when my right index finger falls off and I'll be left with four.

At that point, I think I'll go with a large cocktail ring to distract or kid gloves.