Soup and Coffee

My father's parents had a dining ritual that would drive my dad nuts. Wherever we went, local diner to upscale restaurant, they would order soup and coffee for dinner. He thought they were being cheap. I think they just stopped being hungry. This same thing is happening to me now and it's scaring me. Of course, I'm still young so I eat my way past the feeling. But the truth is I am usually full after eating the starter bread. I'm definitely full if I have an appetizer.

What does this mean? I must be getting older. This can't be, because mentally I'm still in my 20's. Still there are little signs all around me that I may in fact be getting older.

Other signs? A twinge in my knee before it starts to rain. Driving down the highway cranking a freakin' awesome song and then the station identification comes on. "Keep it here on Lite FM. The greatest hits from the 70's, 80's and very early 90's."

Marionette lines. Have you heard of them? They are the lines on the side of your mouth that become more prominent as we age. As I age.

I recently made a big decision about lines and wrinkles. I'm going to stop buying creams and serums and I'm going to start saving for the real deal. Procedures, surgeries, injections. That's where I'm going to put my money from here on out. Because I'm officially waging war against marionette lines starting now.

Still all is not lost. I actually got carded last year. I think I was wearing a cheerleading outfit so a bit deceptive. But it counts. Some misguided soul wasn't sure if I was 21 yet.

There are aspects of getting older that I really enjoy. Caring so little about what other people think. Anonymity. Or on a positive note, I like surprising people when I tell them my age. I love the crinkles men and women get around their eyes. Those lines that come from smiling. And I find it so distressing when people have them removed, Robert Redford you know who you are.

I do understand their decision and I no longer judge them. They are fighting the same battle. You go girl or guy. Nip, tuck, sew, suck. Whatever it takes to make you feel young and beautiful. I'm not ready to go gently into that good night.

In the beginning of this year I wrote down my goals and one of them was to get in Demi Moore shape. At 44, she's older than I am. I later heard from a reliable source, Entertainment Tonight I think, that Demi has had approximately $250,000 in plastic surgery. So I've modified my goal. I want to look as good as Demi did before she went under the knife a multitude of times.

I'm wondering if she orders soup and coffee when dining with Ashton. If she doesn't yet, she soon will. That's just the way it goes.

Steven Seagal Kicked My Ass

My brother called to tell me there was a film crew setting up shop in nearby Stamford and they were looking for help. They'd put up a huge sign in the window of their temporary offices with contact information. I've been writing a screenplay and taking film classes and I'm dying to work on an actual film set.

My brother gave me the phone number and then sent me a link to a classified ad on Craigslist. Results, the ad included an email address so I wouldn't have to make an embarrassing phone call. At 43, I'm guessing I'm not your typical intern / production assistant applicant.

I sent my resume and a cover letter to the email address in the ad. Maybe I shouldn't have used the phrase, "I know this sounds crazy, but I'd love to work on a movie and I'm a huge Steven Seagal fan."

Yes, it's one of my secret shames. I love Steven Seagal movies. I don't know why. They are idiotic and he is really just plain ridiculous, but there's something about him and his never-changing formula that I love. When he shows up wearing a full-length leather car coat or quasi-Asian smoking jacket, I know somebody's going downtown.

The working title of this movie is Marker. When it's released, it will probably be something like Death Marker or Death Comes a Marking.

My brother called me again. "Did you call them?" he asked.

"No. I emailed my resume."

"You have to call them. They're not going to respond to email."

"Fine, I'll call them."

Ring, ring. Someone picks up the phone.

"Hi, my name is Becky and I sent my resume in yesterday. I understand you guys are looking for help on your movie."

"How did you get this number?" she said, sounding very paranoid.

"My brother gave it to me. He sent me a link to your Craigslist ad." Just a thought. If you're trying to keep something a secret, you probably shouldn't hang a big sign out your window and put an ad on Craigslist. "I sent my resume to you yesterday," I said.

"What's your name?"

"Becky Risher," I replied.

"Right, yeah, I remember you," she said, now leaning toward smug.

"Why did I scare you?" I asked. "I mean, I'm not a stalker or anything."

"Right."

"Well do you still need help?"

"Have you ever worked on a movie?" she asked.

"No, but I can do lots of things."

"Like what?", she said. I thought I heard her typing in the background or perhaps whispering something to a co-worker.

"Well I can type. I can make coffee. I'm really good at finding things because I'm a researcher."

"You know, I think we're good for now. But we'll call you if anything comes up."

"What was your name again?" I asked.

"Meriweather."

"Meriweather? Like Lee Meriwether?"

"Who?"

"Lee Meriwether. From Barnaby Jones."

"Who's Barnaby Jones?"

Forget it. I knew I was sunk. I was just thinking how I might've played it differently. I was embarrassed to be blown off by a 20-something smugster named Meriweather.

Still I am compelled to watch Steven Seagal movies. There's something about him. I went to his official website when I started writing this blog to see what he had to say about himself. The home page states that Steven is an accomplished actor, musician, martial artist and philanthropist - a man of many facets. He's also just completed filming Marker and a critically-acclaimed blues album called Mojo Priest.

You're my Mojo Priest Steven. I don't give a damn what Meriweather says.

NB I think if I'd gone on to explain the Lee Meriweather reference, that the show starred Buddy Ebsen during his sexy years before he became Jed Clampett, well I think Meriweather would've peed in her pants laughing. Laugh all you want Meriweather. You'll pee in your pants plenty after you have a baby.

Activia Challenged

I am taking the Activia challenge. Activia is a yogurt enema. I mean that's not what they're saying but the signs are all there. Activia logo? A woman's stomach with a yellow "down" arrow superimposed on her navel. Activia tagline? Bifidus regularis (TM)

Regularis, even in its Latin form, is a word many of us dieters understand. It's code for laxative. Dannon, the makers of Activia, claim it is a bifidobacteria or intestinal microflora. But we know the truth.

See this all started because of a massage I got in Montana. I asked her not to pull my finger, not a joke, because it's swollen. Kim, the masseuse in Montana, told me that sometimes swelling is caused by bacteria in our intestines from the food we eat. Then she proceeded to tell me this disgusting story about eating sushi with her brother the doctor that I won't relay. Trust me, I don't think I'll be ordering yellowtail sashimi for a few months.

Back to the Activia challenge. What caught my eye was this whole idea of balancing the bacteria in your digestive tract. I'd assumed the swelling in my finger was arthritis. Or, and this is also not a joke, it could be gout. My mother thought she had gout in her toe and her symptoms were swelling and pain. One of the things that causes gout is red wine. And let me tell you that if I have to give up red wine, life as I know it will cease to exist.

Bacteria is my salvation. An entirely new way of thinking that would not interfere with my wine drinking AND erase the ugly spectre of arthritis in my early 40's.

So while others are taking the Activia challenge to flush their digestive system or get back to "regular", maybe they're looking for that next weight loss miracle, I'm taking the challenge because I wish to continue drinking red wine until that day when my right index finger falls off and I'll be left with four.

At that point, I think I'll go with a large cocktail ring to distract or kid gloves.

Inside the Actor's Studio with Gisele Bundchen

Can you tell this is a rehash from a 2004 writing class?

Gisele Bundchen, Brazilian supermodel, co-starred as the ringleader of a bank-robbing band of beauties in the 2004 movie Taxi. In her film debut, Gisele took on the role of Vanessa, a thief and master of disguise. Reviewers called it a breakout performance for this one time aspiring volleyball player. She recently took some time off from dating Tom Brady to meet with James Lipton and the members of the Actor’s Studio in New York. Here are excerpts from that interview.

James Lipton: “Tonight we’ll be exploring that most unlikely of thespian talents, the female supermodel. Gisele Caroline Nonnenmacher Bündchen is from Horizonte, Rio Grande do Sul, Brasil, one of five daughters born to Valdir and Vania Bundchen.

Gisele was discovered at the age of 14 when a modeling scout from Elite spied her eating a Big Mac and a large McFritas in a Sao Paulo McDonald’s. Naturally thin all her life, Gisele was frequently teased about her weight and she buried her sorrows by eating anything she wanted at any time.

Here we see another example of one of the common themes on this stage: childhood mockery. I know it touched my life. Cruel, unwashed children yelling at me as I walked home from dance class.

James Lipton: “Gisele, I understand you were also the subject of mockery when you were growing up.”

Gisele: “Yes I was so very thin the other children called me Somaliana, or one who comes from Somalia. It was terrible. But look at me now. Who is the mocker now?”

James Lipton: “In 2000, Gisele makes the first of many appearances in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. She floats onto the stage in the role of Angel with White Wings and Sparkly Bathing Suit Top. Later that year she graces the cover of the Victoria’s Secret “Christmas Dreams and Fantasies” catalog, donning two vintage doilies and a wreath. What some of you may not know is Gisele risked her career early on when she insisted on a “no-thong” rider in her contract with Victoria’s Secret.

Gisele works tirelessly to perfect her craft and her effort is rewarded when she receives the coveted Vogue ‘Model of the Year’ award in 2000 based on her perfect ratio of body to lip fat. In 2002, she appears in the critically acclaimed TV series ‘Fashiontrance’. Produced by the Style Network, Fashiontrance is billed as “fashion insider information and pithy quips popping up on-screen during great fashion shows set to hot music.” Hence the trance.

Gisele is a graduate of Brazil’s Escola Evangelica Frederico Jorge Logemann pre-school and the prestigious Dilson Stein Mannequin Course. She devotes most of her free time to “Tiny Shoes”, a non-profit dedicated to helping women with large feet camouflage their disability.

The Actor’s Studio is so very proud to welcome Gisele Bundchen.

After a five-minute review of Gisele’s film oeuvre, Lipton concluded the interview as always with the questionnaire by the formidable Bernard Pivot:

What is your favorite word?
Gisele

What is your least favorite word?
Bundchen

What turns you on?
Yahtzee

What turns you off?
Pregnant ex-girlfriends

What is the sound or noise that you love?
I don’t know the word in English but it is the sound you hear when you squeeze the bottle of suntan lotion.

What sound or noise do you hate?
EEEEEEEEKKKKK, like an angry seagull attacking me on the beach

What is your favorite curse word?
Puta

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Dog walker.

What profession would you not like to participate in?
Anything with fur.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Leo is here and he’s been waiting patiently.

The US Weekly Thesaurus

The staffers of US Weekly are all given copies of a modified Thesaurus on their first day. Some excerpts:

106 dating
Synonyms: canoodling, all smiles, only had eyes for, flirting, spotted cuddling, smooched, dined à deux, smitten, beau of six years

465a not dating
Synonyms: split, finished, ex-wife, dumped, romance came to a halt, ended their relationship, came to an impasse, Bridget Moynihan and Tom Brady, Jen and Brad

677 wear
Synonyms: donned, shopped in, stepped out in, paired, rocked in, looked chic in, toted (exclusively for use with handbags)

428 color
Synonyms: gunmetal-gray, vibrant green, crimson stain, peachy nude, Madagascar

170 exercise
Synonyms: Pilates, yoga, flab busters, Dancing with the Stars, Harley Pasternak devotee

66 source
Synonyms: fellow diner, the friend, mystery blond, his/her rep, an insider, pals in her inner circle, an onlooker

Roget's New Edition Thesaurus.
All rights reserved.

Doodie

My neighbor called me in a panic. "There is a gigantic shit in my Adirondack chair."

"What?"

" I just lifted up the kiddie pool and underneath was a gigantic shit. This is not cat poop. This is a really big poop. I mean what kind of animal could that be?"

"I don't know," I said. "Raccoon? Possum? Turkey?"

"No. There's no way. It has to be something bigger."

"Like what?" I said. "Do you think somebody took a dump on your Adirondack chair?"

We live in sort of a fringe neighborhood. The kind of place that will be super cool about a year after we sell. For now, it's the kind of place where bikes are stolen, where randoms drive through throwing cigarette butts or the occasional beer can. But could someone actually have taken a dump on my friend's Adirondack chair?

"Hold on. I'm going to call Gordon. Maybe he knows what it is. I'll call you right back," she said.

Duh duh duh .... duh duh duh .... duh duh duh....duh. Standard Blackberry ringtone that I can't figure out how to change.

"Hey. What did he say?"

"He said it was Cal." Cal is their youngest.

"What? What do you mean?"

"He said Cal came in the house on Sunday with poop smeared everywhere but he couldn't find the actual dump. It must've been in the chair.....He said he just missed it. He didn't see it."

I'm not sure what the point of this story is other than this. First, men are truly oblivious because even if you didn't see the poop, you probably should've smelled it baking in the sun in your Adirondack chair. Second, you win some you lose some in the potty training biz.

September 11, 2007

New York strikes me as a city of low simmering kindness. It’s not overt by any means. My brother tells a story about taking the subway in New York. The first time Clay came to visit me in the City, he decided to take the subway to my apartment in the West Village. He was standing in the middle of a busy station, Times Square maybe, with his subway map open. According to legend, a young man was running past on his way to work. Without breaking stride, he asked my brother where he was going. “Christopher Street,” Clay said. “Take the 1 train downtown,” said the New Yorker, and he kept on running.

My husband and I were together in New York for our first Christmas. We were standing near the ice skating rink in Rockefeller Center, surrounded by the throngs. The sun was going down and the lights were coming up. My husband kissed me under the tree. A woman turned to us at that moment and said something about it being nice to see people in love. I can’t remember her exactly except that I knew she was from New York. Her voice or something about her was not like a tourist.

Maybe New York could only offer the smallest acts of kindness before September 11th. After all, the City is such a big place with so many people living in so many different circumstances. I have seen kindness seeping through the cracks of her tough veneer. On September 11th, those kind gestures flowed freely.

What to do on this anniversary? I’ll probably say some prayers, as I do on this day every year. I’ll cry no doubt. I want to find an appropriate, respectful way to mark the day in my own life, now outside the City.

I will be openly grateful for my family. I’m going to try like hell to be kind to my husband and son. And when I find myself losing patience with my son for spilling soda or my husband for not putting his dishes in the dishwasher, I’ll try to remember what others have lost and wish they could have again.

I am wrestling now with the concept of courage in my daily life. What am I capable of doing in spite of fear? I cannot imagine the courage of standing by a disabled friend unable to make it down the stairs of a burning building. Or being disabled and realizing that to attempt the stairs might prevent others from making it out alive. What must go through the heart of a man at that moment?

Today I hope I can muster the courage to be vulnerable. Let kindness seep through the cracks of my own fearful self.

Close Encounter with Bagel Boy

This morning I decided Will should make his own breakfast. Rod, my husband and Will's dad, popped the bagel in the microwave while I wasn't looking. One less thing for Will to do.

I asked Will to take a knife out of the block and cut the bagel in half. "I thought I wasn't supposed to touch the knives," he said. "No you can use the knife," I said. "Finally you're going to treat me like a nine year-old," he said. "Yes I agree it's time."

Then I asked him to take the cream cheese out of the refrigerator. "I can't find it," he said. I foraged in the back of the fridge and found the cream cheese. "Here it is," I said. Still one less thing Will had to do.

He slowly smeared cream cheese across the bagel. Very nice work, I thought to myself. My husband walked out the door to put his backpack in the car, preparing to leave for work.

Will turned to me and said, "You know I'm only doing this because dad is here. Otherwise I would have to kick your butt." Kicking someone's butt is his latest threat now that he's taking karate. The whole nonviolence message hasn't really sunk in with him yet.

It's these special moments that really keep me grounded as a mom. Coming so close to karate blows with my nine year-old.