Woe is Mom

I'm a mom, not that there's anything wrong with it. My husband says I'm a MILF which is sort of redundant if you think about it. Obviously if you are a mom, you've done some F'ing.

I met with a woman about a job this week. She's a really cool woman and also a mom. A Brazilian mom so her MILF factor is high. We were going down a path of talking full-time job. I knew she had a job opening but I hardly thought I'd be in the running. I've worked for myself for 10 years or more. I'm a risk for most employers who already think freelancers are nutters, much less one who's been at it for as long as I have.

So I'm sitting here with my phone turned off because I thankfully managed to call the recruiter back and get his voicemail. I'm panicked about this decision. All sorts of things are running through my brain like how will I find childcare. How will I know this person is good to my son? He's nine so I suppose I could just ask him.

Then there are my own insecurities. I've actually had a pretty impressive life but I can't quite get my arms around myself. I can't embrace the greatness of me, see what other people see. I just see me. Mom. Freelancer.

I'm very superstitious. It's my Scottish grandmother. Also I had a close friend as a child - Allison Millikin if you're out there - who had a Scottish babysitter and she used to scare the crap out of us with Ouija boards and sceances. When I woke up this morning I was thinking just go for it. My Brazilian friend said it when I met with her although she was talking about someone else. "You can always quit," she said.

As for my superstition, this is what happened. Right before calling the recruiter I checked my mail and saw three large white envelopes. This being the holiday season, I figured they were Christmas cards. Wrong. Three new letters from my Granny Inez who has employed the most prolific letter writer of all time to bombard me with guilt from her nursing home in North Carolina. The first two were the usual. She's not quite there, calls my son the baby even though he's in 4th grade now. But the guilt is there. Are you coming for Christmas? No I'm going to Mexico. Then she goes into this whole thing about my forgiving her for anything she did in the past and some god talk. I don't know who's writing this stuff but I'd say they're taking poetic license. "I pray that God's love will surround you, and help heal the wounds of the past." That does not sounds like Inez. She never went to church in her life as far as I know. She has not accepted Christ as her savior. She married a Catholic and managed to lure him away from the church so I just don't see it.

The person I am most like in the world is my Grandma Inez. I took bits and parts from all of them but we two share many qualities. If you read my earlier post, The Fighting Finn, you'd know what I mean. Inez was a workaholic. She retired at 88 only after being forced out of her business. She had one son, I have one son. I have always worked way too hard.

So what is the meaning of this sign? The three letters from my grandma who worked away her entire life, never stopping to smell the roses. Do the letters mean I should take a job? Or am I going to miss out on my son's life? What if I'm missing my own life?

Getting back to the whole mom thing. Sometimes, being a mom is like being a club chair. We're comforting and pretty and we stay in place. You can balance on us, jump on us and we won't break. If you want to be more than a mom, like say a working mom, well there's only so much time to decide that fate. If you want to be a MILF or a hot mom, you're going to need to work hard at it because that's a tough gig.

I know a job will bring change and I love to resist change. But all good things have not come to me waiting. Besides I can always flirt with the mailboy or ponder interoffice romance. Although my husband is working at the same firm so therein lies the rub.