Where Would Jesus Click?

My brother sent me this email about Google being all knowing, the Jahweh of search engines, and I started thinking about god and where he/she would go on the Internet. FOXNews.com of course because everyone on FOXNews has god on their side. Especially Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly--both clearly heaven bound. Although Ann did call John Edwards a faggot and I don't think that falls under the purview of Love Thy Neighbor. Coulter later clarified her comment saying, "Faggot isn't offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays. It's a schoolyard taunt meaning 'wuss,' and unless you're telling me that John Edwards is gay, it was not applied to a gay person."

That's FOXNews logic by the way. I didn't mean what I said and you're totally taking it the wrong way, unless you're admitting to being what I said in which case I meant what I said.

Where else would Jesus go given access to cyberspace? HSN perhaps. The Hope Faith Miracles jewelry line from actress Kristian Alfonso. Kristian (get it?) Alfonso has been on the soap "Days of Our Lives" for the past million years. She was Beau's girlfriend. Then there was that other guy with the eyepatch. Remember the eyepatch? I wonder if someone smote him or what the backstory was on the patch. Oh I just listened to Kristian's video re: design inspiration. I forgot her name was Hope on the show. Now it's all coming together, full circle if you will. Kristian=Hope=Jesus. Will the circle be unbroken? By and by Lord, by and by.

When you google the word Jesus, the first item displayed is for Will Cross. Will says he is a world-class athlete and motivational speaker. No mention of Jesus however. Next are Jesus images, then Jesus according to Wikipedia (also all-knowing) and fourth on the list, a document entitled How to Know God Personally. This page is hosted by http://www.ccci.org/.

CCCI is the Campus Crusade for Christ International. Here is their mission: Helping to fulfill the Great Commission in the power of the Holy Spirit by winning people to faith in Jesus Christ, building them in their faith and sending them to win and build others. CCCI is clearly a cult founded by Bill and Vonette Bright. Why do all holy rollers have names like Vonette?

CCCI has a store for Christ's sake. Store motto: When you shop with us, you're helping reach the world for Christ. I don't think that makes sense. Bring in the ad men. We need to rebrand our Jesus store.

And finally, I'll go to the fifth item, a news story from the Salt Lake Tribune. Big huge land of Jesus.

Gunmen Steal Beer, but Since Jesus was Watching, Left Some Bucks


Article Last Updated: 01/14/2008 01:02:02 PM MST Posted: 9:09 AM- MAGNA - Two armed men wanted to steal some beer early today, but when they heard Jesus was watching they paid for it. That from 2News, which says the pair are still in trouble because, technically, they stole the brew.

Police say the incident took place just after 1 a.m., within the time frame state law prohibits beer sales. Salt Lake County sheriff's deputies say the two men walked into the Smith's store at 8055 West 3500, picked up some beer and asked the clerk if they could buy it. When the clerk noted the time and said no, the suspects then asked if they could steal the beer instead. "Yes, but Jesus is watching," the clerk replied.

2News says the suspects showed a pistol and took the beer -- but also left $9 on the counter.

It's good to know Jesus is alive and making his/her presence known through a convenience store clerk undoubtedly named Vonette or Dolly or Wayne. Praise the Lord and pass the Dew.