The Edward Scissorhands of Bikini Waxing

WARNING: Friends and family should not read this post as the accompanying mental image could result in hysterical blindness.

Okay I don't even know how to explain what just happened. First of all I've been having these psychic flashes all week. I guessed a friend was pregnant. I was telling my husband over lunch how embarrassed I was about something I'd done at work and thinking how could it get any worse.

Suddenly on television they started airing and re-airing the scene of a Wimbledon ball boy bumping Serena Williams in the boob. Over and over again. Close up on the boob. Close up on the ball boy. A diagram of him hitting her boob. Sign from god. It could get worse.

The other night my husband and I were talking and yada yada yada he said something about becoming a bikini waxer and I said if he were a bikini waxer he would be the Edward Scissorshands of bikini waxing...because he's so anal and a graphic designer and all...get it?

Here's the latest psychic flash. I just met the Edward Scissorhands of bikini waxing or to more accurately describe it, I was the victim of said person.

You see it all started when I went to Lake Compounce, an area amusement park, with my friend Sylvie and her son Alex. Sylvie is this beautiful, rich French woman that I'm becoming friends with. Normally I would not make friends with a beautiful, rich French woman but she also happens to be very funny.

So we're going to Lake Compounce and Sylvie says, "I hope you don't mind being seen with a gorilla. I am growing my hair out for waxing." You see French women never shave. They only wax. It's considered uncouth to shave, the way American women do is really what they're trying to say. Having lived in France for a year and gone the way of waxing, I thought I'd ask who she uses in town. Does she have some secret French waxing connection no one else knows?

She told me to go see this girl at Angel Nails.

Lina from Angel Nails in Fairfield is the Edward Scissorhands of bikini waxing. We've just come face-to-face (sort of) and I'm still in shock and awe. Lina is from Vietnam. I ask her if she speaks French. She says no the young generation doesn't speak French.

The implication being I must be from the older generation since I'm even aware of a generation of Vietnamese people who once, many, many, many years ago spoke French. Then she looks at me and asks if I have any children. A boy I said. She says, "No stretchmarks. You're lucky" Okay so right there I should've surmised that I am but a piece of meat to Lina.

I have never experienced anything like what happened with Lina nor will I go into detail as many of you know (pretending I have loyal readers) my policy regarding anything sexual is silence and shame. I absolutely do not discuss it.

Normally how this goes is the waxer will ask the waxee their preference. Telly Savalas etc you've heard the jokes. Lina just dove right in and I have to say looking back on it that I could've easily overpowered her at any moment. But I lay there in silence, watching in disbelief.

And now I am so thoroughly waxed I think I could wear a thimble as a bathing suit bottom and no one would see a thing. Just skin for miles. I feel a bit like I've been given the "one who is pursuing a job in the sex trade" bikini wax.

Lina is most definitely in a class all her own.