Potty On

My friend sent me an email. I was in a movie so I just saw the subject line in re: pooping breakthrough. I laughed and decided to read it later.

As I've said before, until you go through potty training, you really have no idea. I mean we've all technically been through potty training but it's more of a repressed memory versus something we look back on fondly.

I read the email when I got home and my friend was writing about how proud she is of her son's efforts to go to the potty - that she's pulling for him because he hasn't really taken to it like a fish to water. I think it took my son about a year and a half so I can relate. At any rate, you could tell that she was relieved that he'd made a breakthrough today.

There are milestones in parenting that are really quite scary. There's a lot of anxiety around these milestones like first steps, first words, potty training, etc. The anxiety results from those smug marrieds who have perfect children. I love the movie "Baby Boom", thank you Sam Shepard you beautiful country vet you. Anyway, there's this scene where Diane Keaton is talking with other moms whose children are comparing clouds to a Manet painting. Or is it Cezanne? The other moms are shocked to hear that Diane - J.C. Wiatt - doesn't have her daughter enrolled in any enrichment programs. No french lessons, no art classes, no tennis. Quelle horreur!

"Nothing," she says. "Child can't even hold a cup."

One time I took my son Will in to visit a friend in the City. I got the same grilling from some of the New York daddies that were her co-workers. What no wine tasting? No fencing classes? Nope, nothing. My son just sat there like a lump, sleeping in his stroller, not even a Maclaren at that.

Luckily Will took his first steps early. He was cruising around at 11 months. He spoke early and often and continues to this day. But potty training was a disaster. The first few times he tried to poop he actually went on the floor. I don't even understand how that happens. He would poop in the bathtub. Just pooping willy nilly all over our little bungalow.

We tried to take it easy until we realized they were going to ban him from pre-school if he couldn't go potty in the potty. Luckily this was a Montessori school, picture crunchy not blue blazer set. So the headmistress agreed to let it slide while he figured it out. And he did figure it out. But it was a very sore spot in my marriage and also with friends. "What do you mean he's not potty trained yet?" they would ask in that tone of voice.

My mother was very helpful. She told me my grandma potty trained me and my brother in a weekend by using money to bribe us. Bribing didn't work with my son. He wasn't having any of it.

So I'm sorry to use my friend's life in my blog, again. But what I like about this friend is that even though she could be like those perfect moms, she's not. She tells the truth to me about her marriage and her kids and her life.

It's so refreshing. In fact, I have a pretty strict policy about it now. If your life is perfect, I don't want to know you. First of all you're full of shit. And secondly, all the good stuff, all the funny stuff, is in our imperfections.

While I may waver in my focus, ADD as I am, I am committed to telling the truth about my life in this blog. Mom, wife, writer, woman who could swear she's still 32. I'm totally screwed up but somehow okay with it. Because the real me is far more interesting than anyone I could ever pretend to be.

I've had a breakthrough of my own today. Thanks C & W for the reminder.

Where Would Jesus Click?

My brother sent me this email about Google being all knowing, the Jahweh of search engines, and I started thinking about god and where he/she would go on the Internet. FOXNews.com of course because everyone on FOXNews has god on their side. Especially Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly--both clearly heaven bound. Although Ann did call John Edwards a faggot and I don't think that falls under the purview of Love Thy Neighbor. Coulter later clarified her comment saying, "Faggot isn't offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays. It's a schoolyard taunt meaning 'wuss,' and unless you're telling me that John Edwards is gay, it was not applied to a gay person."

That's FOXNews logic by the way. I didn't mean what I said and you're totally taking it the wrong way, unless you're admitting to being what I said in which case I meant what I said.

Where else would Jesus go given access to cyberspace? HSN perhaps. The Hope Faith Miracles jewelry line from actress Kristian Alfonso. Kristian (get it?) Alfonso has been on the soap "Days of Our Lives" for the past million years. She was Beau's girlfriend. Then there was that other guy with the eyepatch. Remember the eyepatch? I wonder if someone smote him or what the backstory was on the patch. Oh I just listened to Kristian's video re: design inspiration. I forgot her name was Hope on the show. Now it's all coming together, full circle if you will. Kristian=Hope=Jesus. Will the circle be unbroken? By and by Lord, by and by.

When you google the word Jesus, the first item displayed is for Will Cross. Will says he is a world-class athlete and motivational speaker. No mention of Jesus however. Next are Jesus images, then Jesus according to Wikipedia (also all-knowing) and fourth on the list, a document entitled How to Know God Personally. This page is hosted by http://www.ccci.org/.

CCCI is the Campus Crusade for Christ International. Here is their mission: Helping to fulfill the Great Commission in the power of the Holy Spirit by winning people to faith in Jesus Christ, building them in their faith and sending them to win and build others. CCCI is clearly a cult founded by Bill and Vonette Bright. Why do all holy rollers have names like Vonette?

CCCI has a store for Christ's sake. Store motto: When you shop with us, you're helping reach the world for Christ. I don't think that makes sense. Bring in the ad men. We need to rebrand our Jesus store.

And finally, I'll go to the fifth item, a news story from the Salt Lake Tribune. Big huge land of Jesus.

Gunmen Steal Beer, but Since Jesus was Watching, Left Some Bucks


Article Last Updated: 01/14/2008 01:02:02 PM MST Posted: 9:09 AM- MAGNA - Two armed men wanted to steal some beer early today, but when they heard Jesus was watching they paid for it. That from 2News, which says the pair are still in trouble because, technically, they stole the brew.

Police say the incident took place just after 1 a.m., within the time frame state law prohibits beer sales. Salt Lake County sheriff's deputies say the two men walked into the Smith's store at 8055 West 3500, picked up some beer and asked the clerk if they could buy it. When the clerk noted the time and said no, the suspects then asked if they could steal the beer instead. "Yes, but Jesus is watching," the clerk replied.

2News says the suspects showed a pistol and took the beer -- but also left $9 on the counter.

It's good to know Jesus is alive and making his/her presence known through a convenience store clerk undoubtedly named Vonette or Dolly or Wayne. Praise the Lord and pass the Dew.

My Delicious Deception

My mother gave me Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook for Christmas. Jessica, wife of Jerry and mother of three, came out with this cookbook called Deceptively Delicious. The basic premise is hiding vegetables in the foods children are willing to eat. The idea is a good one but I'd actually had it myself. I started hiding vegetables in my son's tomato sauce about 2 years ago. Because tomato sauce is comprised of tomatoes, a vegetable.....or is it a fruit....At any rate, it resembles a vegetable so I don't know that my idea to hide additional vegetables in the sauce was particularly inspired. I'm thinking I should've thought of it a long time ago.

My son ate vegetables as a baby. He had no choice really but he didn't spit them out or gag on them the way he does now. Now it's like feeding pills to a dog. Nine times out of ten the broccoli winds up on the floor. When I started hiding veggies in his tomato sauce, I also started enforcing a daily multivitamin. I can't take the regurgitation of food.

In Jessica Seinfeld's book, she uses purees that she claims to make herself on Sunday afternoons. She lines up a big pile of veggies from the farmer's market and roasts or steams them to prepare for the food processor. She blends and blends all the live long day. Then she stores them in labeled baggies and puts them in the freezer in more plastic containers.

I have a couple of problems with her book. First I don't believe for a second that she and Jerry are sitting at home on Sundays making purees. Second, I'm guessing she's cracking the whip to get some illegal alien to type out labels on her personal labelmaker machine. Third, she's using twice as much plastic as she needs simply to make things organized. This tells me she has one of those fridges that gets cleaned every week and everything is put in proper rows or stacks.

The coup de grace? Yesterday a woman named Missy Chase Lapine filed a lawsuit against Jessica Seinfeld and her husband Jerry for what she termed copyright and trademark infringement. She's also suing for defamation of character because Jerry took some time on a recent Letterman appearance to call her a wacko. Ms. Lapine published her book, The Sneaky Chef, in April of 2007, six months before Seinfeld's book was issued. Lapine claims the two books are similar in design, structure, cover art and overall look and feel.

Since Lapine and Seinfeld and I all had the same idea, I don't think the premise - hiding veggies in nuggets - is that radical. It is possible for at least two people to express their takes on this single concept. However, the list of similarities between the books sounds extensive and worrisome for Seinfeld. Of course she's a celebrity once removed so worst case scenario she's facing a day of picking up garbage on the Van Wyck.

In good conscience I feel I must return my copy of the book. I mean what if Jerry decides to steal my big idea, the one about getting professional wrestlers to dress up in veggie costumes and appear at elementary school recitals to promote healthy eating. J'accuse Jerry I would say to myself. Next thing I know he's on Leno calling me a piker.

So I'm returning the book. I'll likely not buy The Sneaky Chef either. The thing is I don't really have the energy or the staff it takes to make gobs of puree and inject it into hotdogs. I'll keep up with the tomato sauce and I'm putting a bit of zucchini zest on my son's turkey sandwich. I'm just not one of those moms. I'm beginning to think no one is unless she has a nanny, a gardener, a sex surrogate and a laundress.

My delicious deception? I read the book, took the ideas I liked and now I'm returning it. Yes I am a piker and I don't care what Jerry says about me. Hey Jerry, the Bee Movie sucked. How about them apples?

I Put the Free in Freelance

In the last few weeks of December I saw another of my pieces picked up in a magazine. I would have been more excited to see credit given in the form of a byline or better yet, payment. As I received neither, I will post the piece on my site, hoping someday, somehow it is read and attributed to me.

The article features Johan Kriek, former top 10 tennis player, who recently opened a tennis academy in Florida. Because this is my site and I can do whatever the hell I want here, I'm including the original version of the article that was in my opinion far better than the sanitized version Kriek and his handlers returned to me.

Lob.

Johan Kriek is Hands-On at his New Tennis Academy

This fall the Kriek Eagleton Tennis Academy opened its doors in Sarasota, Florida at the Longboat Key Club and Resort. The Academy is a partnership between two-time Australian Open champion Johan Kriek and fellow South African tennis player John Eagleton. Kriek and Eagleton held an open house after Labor Day and they are already working with more than a dozen players onsite.

Kriek, who was ranked in the Top 10 in the world, won the Australian Open in 1981 and 1982 and has fourteen singles titles and eight doubles titles. Eagleton, formerly ranked No. 1 at the University of Miami for both singles and doubles, is an ATP tour-certified professional who has established himself as a highly respected coach. Eagleton’s students have clinched state, national and NCAA championships, and many others attained scholarships to top universities.

For the two lifelong friends, the Academy is a dream some years in the making. They were looking for the right opportunity and the right spot. They both felt it was essential to link the Academy to a resort. The Longboat Key Club fits the bill. The Club is AAA Four-Diamond resort located on a barrier island just off the coast of Sarasota.

The Academy also has a unique mission. Their focus is on teaching players of all levels to achieve their personal best, or as they call it “unlocking their inner tennis.” Kriek says, “It may be you want to beat your high school buddies on the court or get to college on a scholarship. If we find the next Wimbledon star, that’s great too.” These two coaches want to teach kids about more than tennis. As Kriek says, “Think about being people first and tennis players next.”

Kriek and Eagleton are determined to be very hands-on with their players. Eagleton says of Kriek, “He might be the highest-ranked player to ever commit to being on the court and actually teaching these kids.” Kriek says “Johnny’s been coaching for 25 years and knows the college route very well, having been there himself. His knowledge of the college track and my understanding of pro tennis are big pluses for us and for our students.”

Eagleton and Kriek also want to emphasize learning tennis in all its aspects because it is an advantage their students will have over the competition. According to Kriek, “I ask kids now, ‘Are you only going to hit big topspin all day?’ It’s important to have this tool, but why not have all the tools? Spin, slice, serve and volley. They need to look for opportunity to use all these shots.”
Kriek and Eagleton are also planning to travel with their players to competitions. Seeing how players react under pressure is an important part of training and another investment these coaches are making in their students.

As Kriek says, “I had no coach the first time I made it to the US Open. I was so nervous. But everything in my game has been trial and error. I wish I’d had somebody then who really knew how to guide me mentally and prepare me for the big moments.”

As many as 30 players ages 8 to 18 will have access to the courts at Longboat Key Club. The Academy offers a full-day program or half-day program, with a third option for students coming from out of town. Daga Sellers, a former Division 1 player from Virginia Tech, and John Belsito, a physical trainer, have also joined the Academy staff.

Sidebar
Johan Kriek is giving back to his native Africa through the Global Water Foundation he established with Minnie Hildebrand two years ago. The Foundation recently completed a project in a remote area of Uganda. About the project, Johan Kriek said, “It took six months in Uganda but people there have been living without clean water all their lives. We just completed another project in Manta, Ecuador. I’d love to be spending even more time on this but you’ve got to make in order to give.”

kriek.pdf