Weeks
I haven't measured my life in weeks for a very long time. How many weeks are you?
Last week I found out I was 5 weeks. Pregnant. At 45. I can't tell you the shock associated with hearing those words at my age. Obviously we were not doing fertility or taking other measures to make this happen. Complete fluke. I took the test and saw the faintest of second lines. Must be a mistake I thought. I called my doctor and told her about the test and she wanted me to come to her office immediately because I was also cramping.
I took a blood test there that confirmed the pregnancy and then she expedited an ultrasound for me so they could check for ectopic pregnancy or other irregularities.
I have said on more than one occasion that we made a huge mistake not having another child. The truth is we did have other pregnancies but no other children. And now, at 45, with a nearly eleven year-old son, now is not what I meant. I think this is the ultimate be careful what you wish for scenario.
We thought about it over the weekend and I googled all the horrors associated with pregnancy at my age. Let me tell you it is not good. According to one report the chances of my getting pregnant at 45 with my own eggs is less than 1% because all my other eggs are "abnormal". I have an over 50% chance of miscarriage and a 1 in 12 chance of birth defect.
After thinking and crying my husband and I made a difficult decision to end the pregnancy. So I called my doctor to tell her that's what I'd decided and she didn't even have the balls to call me back. She had her 20 year-old nurse call me to tell me she didn't think the doctor "would agree with that". Call Planned Parenthood or my OB/GYN - that I don't really have because I haven't been pregnant in 12 years. I have one doctor who saw me in the ER during my last miscarriage. So I called the offices of that doctor, clearly distraught, and the receptionist tells me, "They'd have nothing to do with that."
So here it is, the real deal. While abortion is legal, they're going to make it as tough on you as you can possibly imagine. I called Summit Women's Health, a Planned Parenthood like organization. The receptionist was very kind and we made an appointment. Because I was only 5 weeks, I was eligible to take a pill versus surgical option which I really didn't want to do. I am pro-choice by the way but it's a choice I never thought I'd have to make.
The receptionist at Summit told me to be prepared for the protestors outside and just to ignore them. I hung up the phone and immediately started crying again. Not only was I doing this thing, I'd have to deal with fanatics waving pictures of dead fetuses in my face and screaming baby killer.
I don't know. I guess I am a baby killer. I don't feel like a baby killer. I feel like someone who's got to make a terrible choice.
The same week I turned up pregnant, my husband collapsed on the floor of his office. I heard a loud bang and went running in and there he was on the floor, staring out eyes, open and breathing irregularly. He was out for a minute while I was frantically trying to a) turn on my cell phone and b) dial 911. I dialled an extra 1 and in the time it took me to try to end that call, he woke. He asked me why I was crying. "I thought you were dying," I kept repeating. As it turns out, I might have been a bit hysterical because of the hormones.
I ultimately cancelled my appointment at Summit. The radiologist who did the ultrasound told me about a new test they can do called CVS. She said they can do it before 12 weeks, "before I start to show." That's code for in case the test for abnormalities turns out positive, they can terminate the pregnancy. In all likelihood that's what will happen and I will end up getting that abortion only in a way that makes doctors more comfortable.
I have another week to do the pill option and I may go through with it. Part of me is horrified of ending up on the evening news, my son seeing it and all his friends seeing it. Part of me is fucking pissed off. What I learned last week is we can choose but the choices are tough. I guess that's fair but it seems like such a circus for something that is so private and sad.
Last week I found out I was 5 weeks. Pregnant. At 45. I can't tell you the shock associated with hearing those words at my age. Obviously we were not doing fertility or taking other measures to make this happen. Complete fluke. I took the test and saw the faintest of second lines. Must be a mistake I thought. I called my doctor and told her about the test and she wanted me to come to her office immediately because I was also cramping.
I took a blood test there that confirmed the pregnancy and then she expedited an ultrasound for me so they could check for ectopic pregnancy or other irregularities.
I have said on more than one occasion that we made a huge mistake not having another child. The truth is we did have other pregnancies but no other children. And now, at 45, with a nearly eleven year-old son, now is not what I meant. I think this is the ultimate be careful what you wish for scenario.
We thought about it over the weekend and I googled all the horrors associated with pregnancy at my age. Let me tell you it is not good. According to one report the chances of my getting pregnant at 45 with my own eggs is less than 1% because all my other eggs are "abnormal". I have an over 50% chance of miscarriage and a 1 in 12 chance of birth defect.
After thinking and crying my husband and I made a difficult decision to end the pregnancy. So I called my doctor to tell her that's what I'd decided and she didn't even have the balls to call me back. She had her 20 year-old nurse call me to tell me she didn't think the doctor "would agree with that". Call Planned Parenthood or my OB/GYN - that I don't really have because I haven't been pregnant in 12 years. I have one doctor who saw me in the ER during my last miscarriage. So I called the offices of that doctor, clearly distraught, and the receptionist tells me, "They'd have nothing to do with that."
So here it is, the real deal. While abortion is legal, they're going to make it as tough on you as you can possibly imagine. I called Summit Women's Health, a Planned Parenthood like organization. The receptionist was very kind and we made an appointment. Because I was only 5 weeks, I was eligible to take a pill versus surgical option which I really didn't want to do. I am pro-choice by the way but it's a choice I never thought I'd have to make.
The receptionist at Summit told me to be prepared for the protestors outside and just to ignore them. I hung up the phone and immediately started crying again. Not only was I doing this thing, I'd have to deal with fanatics waving pictures of dead fetuses in my face and screaming baby killer.
I don't know. I guess I am a baby killer. I don't feel like a baby killer. I feel like someone who's got to make a terrible choice.
The same week I turned up pregnant, my husband collapsed on the floor of his office. I heard a loud bang and went running in and there he was on the floor, staring out eyes, open and breathing irregularly. He was out for a minute while I was frantically trying to a) turn on my cell phone and b) dial 911. I dialled an extra 1 and in the time it took me to try to end that call, he woke. He asked me why I was crying. "I thought you were dying," I kept repeating. As it turns out, I might have been a bit hysterical because of the hormones.
I ultimately cancelled my appointment at Summit. The radiologist who did the ultrasound told me about a new test they can do called CVS. She said they can do it before 12 weeks, "before I start to show." That's code for in case the test for abnormalities turns out positive, they can terminate the pregnancy. In all likelihood that's what will happen and I will end up getting that abortion only in a way that makes doctors more comfortable.
I have another week to do the pill option and I may go through with it. Part of me is horrified of ending up on the evening news, my son seeing it and all his friends seeing it. Part of me is fucking pissed off. What I learned last week is we can choose but the choices are tough. I guess that's fair but it seems like such a circus for something that is so private and sad.
posted by Beck at
8:02 AM
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